ik:
Hello Is it strange that i don’t remember all the ditails of my abuse Rene finds it strange that i don’t remember everything Because hé remember everything so clear
psygo:
It can be many reasons. Different of age, if the traumatic event happened ones or several times, how long it went.
ik:
i was when it happend between 6 and 13 3 times i remember peaces that he put the thing in my mouth and that was when i was in the younger ages and i remember the places and i remember some other peaces in the older ages that he touched me untill he went out of the house and me the younger brother and my parents moved to another house the rest is blurry or no memories
psygo:
I understand. When something un understandable happen with us in early childhood this can be so disturbing that we just forget about it.
Our brain can not handle.
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ik:
Hello I have a tought in my head for aprox 45 years It is very disturbing and i have much shame for it And i don’t I understand the whole thing at all One of the memorie starts with I was aprox 8 i think my brother did already a few times things with me But on a way i felt comfort with him i have no idea why Every body was always bullying me also hé only not when we where together On that morning every body was stil sleeping and i awake and went to his room i went inside and went into his bed He told me it is not good to be here because nobody is aloud to know about it but hé did not send me away He said we have to be quiet Some things happend i don’t know execly what only hé was toughing me i remember vague but hé told me hé don’t put his thing inside me because i was to tight that is why i know hé did not rape me on the underside Then there is a blank and then I’m lying under the bed because there where People on the hallway and hé was scared they Will see me there, i see my underware on the floor He also and become angry And then the memorie stops Why in the hell i went to his room He did not do sweet things to me He only acted kind I know my life was horrible everywere. I felt most of the time invissible and every one found me uggly and stupid How can it then feel nice for me to go to his room in the first place How twisted must i been Can you give me a explanation My tought are Negative atention is also atention I don’t know this is always in my mind And that I’m a twisted person I never told anyone Almost to rene a few times but i did not dare it It is so shamefull and twisted What do you think about it
psygo:
You do not have to be ashamed! Nothing is your control so can not be your fault!!!! I will write you more a little bit later!!!!!
Dear Carolien,
So as I see, people and children even more needs safety.
Twisted or not but in a way your brother was your only safety.
Even he did “wrong” to you but when he did, he was “nice”.
The other issue is, that small child know nothing about sexuality but from young age we can experience the joy.
It can be that you were experiencing not only the safety with him but a sort of good feeling to.
It is very important that whatever happened with you was your parents fault who did not stop this.
Because the children has no control of their own life they can not take responsibility either.
ik:
i hated what i had to do my parents did not know about it and i was to scared and ashamed to tell them
psygo:
But it is also their fault that they did not know about it.
ik:
they also never where there and helping with the bullying
psygo:
A child giving signs they should see it.
So in a sens they let it happened.
ik:
if i complaint about something like bullying they always say don’t be childisch and hit back, what i already did
psygo:
So you see that in a way they just let it happened.
ik:
and this happend with everything i needed there help with
yes even when i talked about it 13 yearts later when i met rene i was 19 they and especialy my father keep the hands above my brothers head
psygo:
I’m so sorry, Carolien! It is terrible what they did with you!
In the same time I think of your brother also as a victim
ik:
my dad he said to me he was only 16 but nobody toldme shit you where only 6 or 7 or whatever
psygo:
Yes I think both of you were your own parents victim.
ik:
but they always talked his crimes good example he used drugs that time but nobody felt sorry for me
psygo:
With this terrible unresponsable act they destroyed a whole family life. And they made you the ultimate victim with kind of blaming you for everything.
ik:
yes i felt that everybody blames me for the fall of the family
psygo:
I’m so sorry I’d like to help you to process it and feel that you deserve a way more than what happened!!!
ik:
and my brother was always the black sheep of the family it appears it is me
psygo:
I understand why you are feeling as such, but it’s important that you know that you were a small child who became the victim of your family
ik:
al those years i try to relativize what happend in the past and special that time i was thinking of a negatief atention is also atention
my sister marjan who is 11 years older than me she is not the oldest, she knew a bit about that there was something with me and my brother but i did not tell her further out of fear and asked don’t tell mom she kept her mouth shut till rene asked her about it she and her husband blamed me that she is stressed because she never could talk about it so they blame me also while she was the adult in that time she was already married
psygo:
I terribly sorry that it was no healthy help from no one!!!!
I see that is extremely difficult to understand how they where able to do this!!!!
I’m so sorry, Carolien!!!
We see each other on Monday! I’m seeing forward to meeting you soon!
ik:
yes thanx
conclusie:
bedankt familie
van je familie moet je het maar hebben